People Pleaser Problem

Why did I stop writing? Why did I ever start?

I started therapy when I was just 6 years old. I don’t remember a ton about the modality or any positive changes that came from that first therapist. I do recall her explaining to me that I could trust her, that she would keep my secrets and help me. And then I remember the backlash and broken trust. She had been subpoenaed to court as a witness in the incredibly vicious custody battle that was just beginning to sink its vindictive claws into my little life. “Family” at the time in history was presented as this happy unit of people who loved each other unconditionally, who stuck together through thick and thin, defended each other and were permanent. I had never heard of a chosen family, had no examples of what divorce was or could look like. I was alone in uncharted territory.

Divorce at that time was still so taboo that even other authoritative adults in my life weren’t sure how to respond. In school I was pulled from my class weekly by the guidance counselor to monitor how I was coping I guess. I can tell you not well, I recently found one of my notebooks from 1993, when I was 7 years old, and my “art” is disturbing. Why have I held onto it? I guess it is a reminder of who I am and how far I have come. The adults at school weren’t the only ones unsure of how to handle the situation, I was excluded from extra-curricular activities at church. They couldn’t stop me from attending but they could and they did prohibit me from being an active participant in both the youth group and youth choir, isolating me from my peers.

Other kids didn’t know how to act either. I was taxied back and forth, weekly, between two houses more than 7 miles apart, in two different zip codes, two different school zones, too far to walk or bike between. My father rarely allowed me to go anywhere I was invited during “his time” and very quickly the invitations just stopped altogether. I was again isolated.

His time was so valuable because that is when he had full control. The ability to say what he wanted without witness, the only reason I can think of even now was to utilize me as a pawn in his war against my mom. To this day I can not fathom how such hate exists. There are people who make me shudder, who cause a visceral reaction, and even people that strike such fear into me that I flee and yet, I can’t find the capacity to hate. I don’t even hate him, even after he erased me from his family tree.

I sometimes wish that as easily as he omitted me from his records that I could do the same. Undo the neural pathways he laid ever so carefully. Untangle my twisted automatic thinking. However, it is not possible to erase such trauma and now most days I would not give up my past, it has shaped not only my struggles but also informed my victories.

I have however spent years, decades really, trying to learn how to undo the damage and retrain my brain. I have lost count of how many professionals I have seen. Some only once as they did not inspire a sense of safety in me. Others I saw for months or years at a time. The most impactful moment came in 2018 when my psychologist at the time, Dr. Martin Cohen, told me to “stop being so damned selfless”. I immediately began to pile on my self-deprecation and cite how he was right, my father was right, I was selfish and worthless. Selfish for never giving enough, being enough, for anyone, absolutely worthless. Dr. Cohen would not stand down. He immediately met me with a counter argument. As a way to try and overcome the isolation I dealt with for oh so many years I had become a persistent people pleaser. I did whatever everyone else expected from me, pushed down anything I wanted if it didn’t align to what others around me desired. I had given up me, who I really was, my actual authentic self to try and build connectedness, a sense of love and belonging. The problem was no one, not even me, knew me. This person that was trying so hard to not to stay alone, not die alone like she had been told she would so many times, wasn’t actually me. I was still alone and felt that loneliness to my core.

That realization is what started me on a new journey. I started graduate school and sought out to discover who I was and what I wanted for the first time in a very, very long time. In graduate school I met many people who had demons similar to mine and so I started writing.

My writing was a form of self discovery, catharsis, and an outstretched hand to anyone else fighting to not just stay alive, but live a life worth living, a meaningful and connected life. I wanted everyone else like me to know that they belong, WE belong and are worthy of connection, love and happiness.

So why stop? Once again I had forgotten about me. No one was taking my hand and I had fallen into the old habitats of people pleasing and measuring my worth based on the acceptance of others. I forgot why the journey began in the first place. Here I am though, sitting surrounded by people and yet feeling alone, on the beach, watching a pair of dolphins play as the sunsets and crying as I recommit myself to me, rejection be damned. As a coworker recently told me, if people don’t stand by me in the rain, they don’t deserve me when the sun shines either.

I may not have many friends but I do have a few really great people who love me, real me, actual authentic raw, rainy days included me. And I am going to try to accept rejection with more grace. Rejection does not reflect on me but so many things and I am going to try to embrace those awkward moments when I reach out to try and build connections and community yet my hand stays empty or gets pushed away. Those people who get to know me and still love me mean so much more than all of the forced false friendships in the world.

October 30, 2026 0

Progress Isn’t Linear

Half a decade, 5 and a half years, 66 months, 289 weeks, 2, 022 days. No matter how I measure the length of time between my last post and today it seems unfathomable. So much has changed in my life and yet so many of the same struggles arise and that is not a surprise, not because I am incapable of lasting change, but rather because a straight line does not exist and therefore progress does not occur in a linear (straight) path either.

A straight line is an abstract mathematical theory. Look closely at the natural world around you and you will notice that texture, depth, movement, and imperfections exist everywhere, straight lines are an impossibility. Why then would we expect people to be able to achieve the impossible?

As we all move through life we move forward through time which, at least currently, is the only dimension that prohibits movement in any other way. Every other dimension is fluid and therefore like the oceans ebbs and flows, and changes its movement based on gravity, weather, climate, and other external forces.

Our lives are complex and filled with external forces that impact our ability to move in a linear fashion. We have experiences that may push us forward and encourage us to make massive positive progress, or pull against us forcing us to exert ample effort to hold our ground and sometimes we are able to continue to move forward, while other times these forces cause us to back slide. Initially, these opposing forces appear to do nothing besides fight against us, however it is in the moments of adversity that we are able to hone our tools and skills to better be equipped for future challenges. While we are able to strengthen our response no amount of practice and positive progress will put an end to these trials.

In the last 5 years my waters have provided me with monumental momentum to make some positive changes to factors that were in my control. I have also had to fight against some very strong currents to hold my ground and from time to time they are able to push against me and drag me back into old thought processes and mindsets. I am committed however to keep paddling against these currents. There may be days that I just go with the flow and drift in whatever direction the waters take me but I will continue to forgive myself for my imperfections and enjoy the journey as much as I can and I hope that you will do the same.

October 22, 2026 0

Its My Birthday and I’ll Cry If I Want To; An Intro to Cognitive Therapy

I guess I let the cat out of the bag, today is my birthday. My anxiety spikes as I type this. The thought that someone is going to read this and wish me a “Happy Birthday” makes my stomach knot. These are not typical feelings associated with birthdays and I am working on changing them, but change doesn’t happen over night.

When I was accepted into the graduate program to become a mental health counselor there were no owls or magic wands, wait who am I kidding there are always owls in my life, but I was not told to buy a book on potions or spells. Counselors do not have the ability to magically dissolve whatever ails you however we do have numerous ways in which we can teach you to make positive changes to your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that reduce your distress. While you will start to see positive change during the counseling process if you have deep rooted weeds like me, it takes time and continued effort to get them under control. One of the theories that we often use to help people untangle these weeds is Aaron Beck’s Cognitive Therapy.

Cognitive Therapy believes that maladaptive thoughts are the root of distress and by working to modify these thoughts we can reduce the distress. When I try to explain my brain to others I often say that my wiring was wrong and that messages and emotions get twisted, as I am fixing the wiring it happens less often but from time to time I still get a scrambled signal. Cognitive Therapy helps to untangling these twisted wires. In this post we are just going to skim the surface of how this theory works and look at the main wiring or schema which Aaron Beck defined as “the rule that governs information processing and behavior”. To uncover the schema we start at the surface by looking at automatic thoughts and then deep diver to discover the intermediate beliefs and then core beliefs that we hold that bubble up through those automatic thoughts. Lets look at mine today as an example…

Its my birthday and my distressing automatic thought is I do not deserve to be celebrated.

The intermediate beliefs might cite “rules” about what we except. My intermediate beliefs related to this automatic thought are:
A person worth celebrating has strong social connections with close friends, which I lack. I have a few close acquittances and maybe one or two friends.
By 35 I should have a family of my own and an established career.

Which boiled down lead to my core beliefs. Core beliefs are more global and likely are the related to other intermediate beliefs and automatic thoughts as well. Here are mine:
I am unlovable.
I am a failure.

Altogether these build my schema (my faulty wiring).
I am worthless. No matter how hard I try I will always be less then what I should be and therefore am not worthy of praise. Anyone who praises me is doing it out of pity because no one would actually care about a failure like me.

You may have noticed that my thought process and beliefs are riddled with cognitive distortions which we will explore in my next post. In many areas of my life I have already been able to challenge and start to untangle these twisted wires but like I said, change takes time. I started by working on accepting gratitude and am working my way through praise and then someday I will reach a point where I am comfortable being celebrated. As for today I will be practicing mindfulness and challenging these distorted thoughts, but I may still cry not because I want to but because I am struggling to keep my wires from crossing.

If you struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental health ailments know that you are not alone. These conditions can feel very isolating but do not need to be. My hope is that by being transparent with my story it helps others to feel less alone. There is no shame in seeking support!

April 9, 2021 0

The Power of Words- Names

From the time we are born, sometimes even earlier, we are labeled. Labels are applied to us so that society knows how to interact with us. Most of the labels we are given are directly related to some trait we have- genitalia, skin color, ethnic origin, etc. There is one label that is chosen for us, and has great value, our name. Our name is the beginning of our personal brand and our feelings about our name are shaped by how others use it.

Some names naturally evolve with nicknames, like Elizabeth becomes Beth, while others are shed and new ones adopted. When people make the choice to adopt a new name there is a reason behind it. No longer using a previous name comes with consequences and yet the rewards are greater leading to a willingness and continued desire for change.

Some people chose a new name so that they feel more accepted. This often happens in conjunction with major life changes such as immigrating to a new country to escape poverty and or discrimination. Others select a new name in order to separate from thoughts and feelings associated with their old, birth name. This can be seen with individuals who have decided to live a life more congruent with their true self and or those who have survived abuse. Imagine you spend years hearing your name in combination with demeaning remarks, “NAME you idiot”, “NAME is such a failure”, “NAME you’re worthless”. Over time this combination of name and remarks begins to feel like a definition. By letting go of this name the person can also begin to let go of this maladapted belief that they are those definitions. This is also seen in people whose gender does not align with their birth name. We place so much weight on societal expectations regarding gender that having a name incongruent with our gender can lead to some rather uncomfortable encounters as well. And there are some who choose a name in order to escape from their abusers. These people frequently up root their entire lives and relocate so that they feel safe.

When you use a name that has been shed you are saying that the experiences related to that name are not valid. You may not, and hopefully do not, use someone’s old name (birth name, deadname, shed name, etc.) with malicious intent. However, using this name can be triggering for some people and bring up maladaptive thoughts and feelings.

Names are incredibly important to us. Learning how to say other’s names and respecting their name, rather given at birth or chosen as the result of adversity is a simple way to be a better human.

February 24, 2021 0

Measure Effort Not Outcome

This past year, 2020, was trying. No matter how together you had your life, in March our whole world changed. As we reflect on how the last year went, I want to share with you one of the most impactful things I learned.

During my class on addiction counseling this past semester, I was assigned a chapter on counselor self-care. Self-care is incredibly important and I have read a ton on the topic, but in this chapter, something stuck out and stuck with me. It discussed how as counselors there is only so much that WE can do. We can provide our clients with all of the tools in the world, however, we are not in control of their recovery and we cannot take a relapse personally. How then do we measure ourselves as practitioners? The answer is we measure our effort, not our outcome!

What does it mean to measure our effort, not our outcome? We have to understand that in every situation there are elements in which we lack some level of control. We must look, therefore, at those aspects where we do have control and the amount of work or effort we put in in those areas. We need to measure our performance rather than the product.

I challenge you, as you reflect on 2020, to think about your performance rather than the outcomes or products as there were a lot of variables that added challenges.

An example of this from my year would be my grades. I worked really hard to try and maintain all A’s this past year. Last semester, however, I ~~failed~~ got a B. At first, I was incredibly frustrated with myself. I should have worked harder, I should have studied more, etc. But when reflecting on my effort, instead of the outcome, I actually became really proud of myself. I selected this master’s program because of the in-person class style it offered and due to the pandemic we were completely remote now, which is a very challenging learning modality for me. I had also lost my part-time income over the summer, thanks to Covid related business closures. This resulted in me taking on a full-time contract, working overnights while taking four graduate-level courses to recover from the financial loss. I was also volunteering as a wellness counselor for the USF Confirmed Covid Counseling Clinic, and as a director for Owl’s Nest Sanctuary for Wildlife. If you look at the effort I put into growing as an individual and professional I had a very successful year, even though the product was not as I had hoped.

I encourage you to reflect on your year and praise yourself, not for the outcomes you achieved, but for the effort you put forth. Depending on your circumstances your effort may not look like your usual effort. Majorly modifying your habits and adjusting to the new isolated, remote lifestyle was hard work and few people gave themselves credit for the effort they put into staying safe and healthy this past year.

What effort are you proud of? Think about an area where you worked hard and deserve to give yourself some credit. Share your effort below so that we can practice praising each other and measuring our success by effort rather than the outcome.

January 2, 2021 0